[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?