Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds