my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.