[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie