My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
doing some research
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
thanksgiving in nutshell
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.