Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My whole life was a lie.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Salad is the decaf of food.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
me and the Superbowl rn
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I did not eat the cake…
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault