Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
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setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back