Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
You Might Also Like
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
My wife gives the best headache.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
set yourself free xox