Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”