I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
You Might Also Like
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Only short people can save us
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
The best shot in the history of golf
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie