I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
You Might Also Like
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next