I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.