If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Smooooooth
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you