People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…