one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
You Might Also Like
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.