*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Duolingo getting serious.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter