There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
girls literally only want one thing..
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me