My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
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Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My circle of trust is a meatball
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
😩😩😩
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.