That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.