So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
we all know this pain all too well
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.