The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
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I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”