The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.