“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
This is a whole mood;
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
step 6: release the wall snake
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I thought this was funny lol
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.