Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.