The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
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Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
cause of death:
autopsy.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it