Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’d rather go liquor treating.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.