My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”