@FinallyHeSleeps: My kids heard, "Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die." What she said was, "Sorry, our shake machine is down."
@FinallyHeSleeps: Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it's more of a beached-dad-bod.
@FinallyHeSleeps: Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
@FinallyHeSleeps: The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
@FinallyHeSleeps: Me: "Don't piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half."
10yo: "A phone what?"
@FinallyHeSleeps: I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
@FinallyHeSleeps: Finding $5 you didn't know you had is awesome til you realize you're 34, it's 2011 & $5 won't even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.