Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
LOL
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.