if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
You Might Also Like
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of