Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now