Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff