I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.