Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Flattliner's best tweets

@Flattliner : My daughter's been seeing someone called Jim. Only for an hour each time, always in sports gear and often sweaty afterwards. I don't approve

@Flattliner: I don't have a friend called Louise.

If I did I would always be saying "Jeez Louise" to her.

Then I wouldn't have a friend called Louise.

@Flattliner: The last time Twitter was down I was forced to speak to real people.

Real people go on and on and on and on, for way over 140 characters...

@Flattliner: People who drive very slowly cause me cognitive dissonance.

They deserve to die, but appear less likely to do so...

@Flattliner: Whoever said that blood is thicker than water is plainly

a) Fond of stating the obvious, and
b) Not a member of my family.

@Flattliner: I'm introducing a new calendar system:

B.C. = Before Children.

A.D. = After Divorce.

@Flattliner: I wish my wife was better in bed.

<sighs>

<disables autocorrect>

I wish my WiFi was better in bed.

@Flattliner: Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out an important part of human anatomy that is more useful when it is erect.

Er...

SPINE?