Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
You Might Also Like
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Bro what is this
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”