Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other