The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I know
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.