After how many years should you clean your microwave?
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
This trial is so absurd 😭
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!