Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.