No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married