@FrazzleMyGimp: ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
@FrazzleMyGimp: [after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
@FrazzleMyGimp: [hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
@FrazzleMyGimp: [straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
@FrazzleMyGimp: [sees shark fin swimming toward me]
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
[the boy is riding a shark]
@FrazzleMyGimp: WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
@FrazzleMyGimp: DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
TREE: cool just checkin