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Page of FrazzleMyGimp's best tweets

@FrazzleMyGimp : GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

@FrazzleMyGimp: [cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

@FrazzleMyGimp: [zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

@FrazzleMyGimp: [christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

@FrazzleMyGimp: FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

@FrazzleMyGimp: Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew