Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FrazzleMyGimp's best tweets

@FrazzleMyGimp : ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat] ME: Oh no shit shit shit

@FrazzleMyGimp: [christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

@FrazzleMyGimp: FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

@FrazzleMyGimp: Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

@FrazzleMyGimp: DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

@FrazzleMyGimp: Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

@FrazzleMyGimp: MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.