Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FrazzleMyGimp's best tweets

@FrazzleMyGimp : Wife: I’m leaving you Me: why Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

@FrazzleMyGimp: MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

@FrazzleMyGimp: WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

@FrazzleMyGimp: WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

@FrazzleMyGimp: [before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@FrazzleMyGimp: [family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

@FrazzleMyGimp: ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?