Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
*struts into the new year
~ trips
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”