My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
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Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Bring back the McRib
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”