Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”