Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
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If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]