Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Lmao the reply
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’m sorry…what?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator