Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Freudianscript's best tweets

@Freudianscript : I just saved a bunch of money on fireworks by telling my wife to calm down.

@Freudianscript: When speaking to your wife, always end with, "but i could be wrong," this way when she says you're wrong, you'll be right for a change.

@Freudianscript: I'm not real good at talking my way out of trouble, since it's the talking that got me in to trouble in the first place.

@Freudianscript: I need to start paying more attention when i'm talking to myself.

@Freudianscript: When life gives you lemons.....

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.

@Freudianscript: Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.

@Freudianscript: Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn't sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.

@Freudianscript: I'll never be accused of talking behind someone's back, because that would involve talking to people.

@Freudianscript: I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.

@Freudianscript: Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there's your kids.