I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.