“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*