That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.