I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
beware of dog
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My god she’s good.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.