Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of FrogAvalanche's best tweets

@FrogAvalanche : Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*

@FrogAvalanche: Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

@FrogAvalanche: *pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You're free now

@FrogAvalanche: -Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

@FrogAvalanche: [2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@FrogAvalanche: [two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
"Hi."
"Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?"
"Yes."
"U still owe me $20."

@FrogAvalanche: Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

@FrogAvalanche: "Dad, I cant sleep."
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
"Dad Im seven-"
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

@FrogAvalanche: *inside camp-out tent*
"Wanna hear-"
*puts torch under chin*
"-a scary story?"
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
"OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH."

@FrogAvalanche: *National Spelling Bee Final
- Spell cyclops.
- Use in a sentence.
- Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
- C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.